Ever heard the expression, “This won’t hurt at all?” Yeah, you usually hear that right before someone hurts you. Remember that Novocaine shot at the dentist? That flu shot? Your mom brushing your snarled up hair? Right? “This won’t hurt a bit.” Wrong. Liars. Every single one of them. Liar, liar pants on fire.
So why am I talking about liars on this fine Monday morning? I’ll tell you my friends. I was recently lied to. I know, I’m as shocked as you. Not one, but 2 medical professionals told me that my next mammogram wouldn’t hurt a bit. Ha. They lied.
You see, I was one of the first persons in my area to have a mammogram using this new high-tech 3-D scanner machine. Groovy right? I was stoked when my doctors told me that I’d be able to have my follow-up mammogram with this machine, because, well, my boob still hurts from surgery, radiation, scar tissue, you name it. Even just a gentle touch is rather painful. So, the idea of having my boob squeezed between two flat metal plates wasn’t too exciting. Bring in the new machine. Hallelujah!!!
So I show up for my appointment, smile on my face, cheerful with the technician in my pretty pink flannel gown with no fasteners in the front only to discover – cue scary music – my boob would in fact be flattened. Say what now? NOOOOOOOO. “My doctor told me I was to have the new machine,” I said. “This is the new machine,” the technician said while sliding in plates and adjusting screws and maneuvering mechanical arms on that big bad boy.
I almost cried and I hadn’t even approached this new scanning device yet. She explained how the machine worked and how super cool it was now for the doctor to read the scans and such, but all I heard was, ouch, ouch, ouch, scream, scream, scream. My boob has to go on that big flat plate and then that other big flat plate will lower onto it and will be screwed down until the desired compression is attained. NOOOOOOOOO. This is all wrong. It’s not supposed to hurt. I was lied to.
Anyway, I hitched up my big girl panties, exposed myself to the new machine, clenched my jaw and pinched my eyes lids together so the tears wouldn’t leak out and held my breath – yes you actually have to hold your breath – until the devil-woman technician told me it was okay to breathe and hit the relief switch so the top plate pulled away from my flattened breast.
“Just five more times,” the devil-woman said. Oh good god, five more times? Please just shoot me.
When the squeezing and crying were done, she asked me to wait in the waiting area while the doctor read the films. The normal procedure for this is that you just change out of your gown and go home and at some point in the future you get a phone call or letter telling you your results. Well, not this time, not me, no sirree. I don’t know if it’s because I recently had cancer or if that’s how things are done now with this new evil machine, but I was asked to wait. Still in my pink gown with no fasteners to hold it closed.
Devil-woman told me that I could help myself to the bottles of water in the mini fridge while I waited. Screw that. I just had the Bejeezus squeezed out of my boobs and my top could open up at any minute now, where the hell is the mini bar, the free margaritas, the shots of tequila? Bottled water ain’t gonna cut it sweetheart. At least with some alcohol in my I won’t care if my gown doesn’t fasten.
So, there you go. Don’t be led astray my friends. If your doctor tells you that you’ll have the privilege of facing the new 3-D scanner for your next mammogram and that it won’t hurt, get right in their face and laugh. Or make them pinky swear or bet them a huge amount of money that it will because, it will hurt and you will be squeezed just like before with the old machines. You’ve been warned.
Have you ever been “lied to” by a professional? Were you ever surprised at a medical appointment by a procedure you were having done? Have you experienced the new 3-D mammogram scanners yet?
Word of the day: Crojack
Fun fact about me: It’s not really a fun fact, but my mammogram came back clean!! Wup!! I’m good to go for 6 more months.
Original post by Jansen Schmidt, September 2018. Photo courtesy Google Images.
So glad you’re clean, girl – woot! And that fancy, new-fangled machine doesn’t sound any different than the old one, so I’m wondering…did the doctor who told you it wouldn’t hurt actually have a mammogram on that machine? Because I’m thinking maybe not.
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You are right – neither of the doctors had experienced the new machine. One doctor was a man – go figure – the other was a woman too young to need to care about mammograms yet. Her day will come.
And yes, this new machine acted pretty much like the old machine. The “new” part comes in on the screening end. It’s more like a CT scan than an x-ray (if I understand it correctly) so it “sees” more. I guess that’s a good thing. But, it still squeezes and hurts like the dickens. That part hasn’t changed. I don’t know why we can’t just have ultrasounds. Those are so much more pleasant (except for the cold gel) and they seem more reliable but . . . what do I know?
Anyway, thanks for stopping by and commiserating. Sometimes I just need to let the world know I’m a big ole baby. Have a good week.
Patricia
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First of all, I have never crojacked – but then, I don’t even have a boat, so I can’t very well run into anything with it.
I would say I feel your pain, but you wouldn’t believe that coming from a man, so I won’t bother. I am sorry you had to experience it, though. You’re still on my daily prayer list for a non-return of cancer.
By the way, your list of lies adults tell children missed my favorite. Every time my dad gave me a spanking none of which I deserved since I was a perfect child – he would say, “This is going to hurt me worse than it hurts you.” Yeah, right! How come I’m crying and you’re not, Dad?
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There was a hyphen between ‘spanking’ and ‘none.’ I don’t know what happened to it.
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I never would have pegged you for a crojacker so you’ve got that going for you and I totally believe you were a perfect child you never deserved a spanking. But I know what you mean, my dad would say that to us too. I’m sure his hand stung terribly after swatting it across my backside. Poor, poor man.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your liar experiences. It’s good to know I’m not alone in this world of liars.
Patricia
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Sorry your mammogram was painful (and that they LIED!), but so glad it came out well! Yeah, lying to people about stuff like this is just evil, y’know? Just give me the facts so I can brace myself! Though in my recent memory, my doctors have all been pretty good about that – yep, they told me the immunizations would leave some soreness, but that other procedures wouldn’t hurt- and I’m thankful they were right.
Hey, that Disney trip is coming up, right? The mammogram is at least one more thing to celebrate there!
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(sigh) The Disney trip is over. I had the mammogram the day after we got home. What a thing to come home to. But, yes, I too am so glad it came back all clear. I met with my oncologist as well and he too said all my blood work looks good and he won’t need to see me for another 6 months. I’m cruising now. Just need a few more months to get back into high gear than I should be good to go. (Hopefully anyway.)
Take care and have a great week!
Patricia
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Awesome news!!! About getting the “all clear” that is, not about the painful experience.
At my last mammogram, the machine malfunctioned so after the technician took the picture and told me to step back put of it, it didnt let go of my breast and I couldn’t move!
“I said you can step back now.” She repeated. And Im like “Ummm… I can’t!”
I found it pretty amusing but the technician was so embarrassed!
Im so glad this didn’t happen to you too!
Again, congrats on the great news!
Ps: I was planning to come visit you this January, alas the unexpected high price of air fares killed that idea. 😦
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Oh gracious – a malfunctioning machine? Not fun. Not fun at all. I know these tests are necessary and they save lives, but you’d think they’d come up with a better method.
Thanks for the congratulations, too. I still have some healing to do, but overall, I’m feeling pretty good.
And bummer about the high cost of airfare. I’d so love to see you again. Maybe next time.
Take care.
Patricia
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Yay for a clean mammogram!! I haven’t had to face one of those yet and can’t say I’m looking forward to it, lol.
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Well Michelle – don’t put it off when it’s time. They do save lives. My cancer was detected via routine mammogram so I never recommend skipping one. Here’s to only positive results.
Thanks for visiting. Have a great day.
Patricia
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Going through the write up itself is so painful. My heart coming out. So sorry to listen that. Take care.
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Thanks Reena. Mammograms do save lives so I know they must be done. I was just surprised that the “new” machine operates the same way the old machine did. I was expecting a no-touch machine I guess. It wasn’t explained to me very well.
Oh well. It’s done for 6 more months.
Here’s to only good medical reports!!
Thanks for visiting. I hope to see you here again.
Patricia
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Sure. Cheers!!! Be happy…
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I loved the humor in this post even though it was an excruciating experience. Sounds like a procedure only a masochist could love.
The closest experience I can relate to is the time I unexpectedly had blood in my urine. Though everything turned out fine, I had to have my bladder scoped. I guess you know there is only one way to reach the bladder with a scope. Before this procedure I had always believed that magicians who levitated people on a table were a hoax. After the procedure, I knew that levitation was a real thing!
I wholeheartedly agree with you, after these uncomfortable medical procedures there should be an open bar!!
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Ouch, ouch, ouch. I can imagine the discomfort that procedure created. At least with a colonoscopy they sedate you. I’m hoping you had some sort of sedation or numbing procedure before THAT happened. I’m so glad everything turned out okay. This kind of stuff is scary.
Thanks for popping over and speaking up. I so enjoy hearing from new friends.
Patricia
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