It’s been almost 4 years since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It’s certainly one of those days that I’ll probably remember for the rest of my life. It’s the day your life changes and the day your routine is interrupted, and your life gets arranged for you by everyone except you.
The 6 months following my diagnosis and treatment are sort of a blur now, just this hazy recollection of sleeping, riding in the car, sitting in a doctor’s office or treatment chair, swallowing pills, trying not to puke, feeling not quite alive but thankful as hell I’m going to live.
Now, almost 4 years later, I can laugh about it all but still not breathe a huge sigh of relief. You see, I still haven’t reached the magical 5-year mark that should mean I’m safe from a relapse. That’s the big moment all cancer survivors aim for. I’m getting close, but April 2023 still seems like a long time away. (April 2018 was the date of my last chemo treatment, therefore the date I use to start my 5-year countdown.)
If you want to know the truth, those 6 months of treatment, while excruciating at times, really went by pretty quickly. The healing and recovery from all the poison, chemicals, steroids, and other invasive stuff is still on-going, but, in the grand scheme of things, the actual treatment time was over in no time. In fact, once I stopped the chemo, my hair started growing in about 6 weeks later. I looked in the mirror one day and – there it was – a faint covering of pure white fuzz sprouting on my little bald head.
I have to say, losing your hair, for me, was the absolute worst part of the entire experience. It’s so easy to say, “it’s just hair.” And, it is. It’s just hair. It’ll grow back. But, holy cow, the day it came out in handfuls while I was showring was one of the worst days of my life. I cried for hours even though I knew it was coming. I thought I was prepared, but, nope. Watching your hair clog up the shower drain and stick to your hands and arms is psychologically distressing.
I had planned ahead for that day. I purchased a VERY expensive wig (thanks to my sweet husband), spent an entire day having it dyed and styled to match my pre-cancer hair and had it sitting on its Styrofoam head waiting for me to put it on. But knowing it replaced my real hair was still such a surreal experience. Nobody knew it was a wig (except my husband), but I felt vulnerable and exposed and naked every time I wore it. I can’t tell you why, but that’s how I felt. It was awful. I hated that wig because of what it represented.
Fast forward 3 and a half years and here I sit with now gray hair that falls down my back almost to my waist. You see, when my hair started growing back in, not only was it a shocking pure white, it was super curly. For about 2 years it was curly. It started turning grey after about a year and has now actually returned to it’s almost normal dark brunette color underneath with a lot of silver on top. The longer it got the more it lost its curl, except for the very ends which still naturally curl up about 2 inches on the bottom.
At first, I loved my hair super short, pure white hair. Hey – I had hair!!!! I’ll take what I can get. Then it got into this sort of weird afro uncontrollable stage for a while. I thought about cutting it and just keeping it really, really short, but I wanted to see what it would do if I left it grow. So, I did. Then it finally got long enough to style with barrettes and butterfly clips and such. And then, when it reached my shoulders, it was just downright gorgeous. I’ve never loved my hair, but man, was I digging my hair. I was glad I hadn’t cut it.
At some point, it became my goal to let my hair keep growing until I reached that magical 5-year mark before cutting it off. Something to show for my patience and a reward for reaching that special event. But . . .
Now? Well, now it’s sort of a pain in the butt, especially since it’s hot and sticky outside and it’s really getting hard to even just brush out. These days you see me in a messy bun, long single braid, or that Arianna Grande ponytail look.
Can I make it another year and a half? Who knows? It’s still sort of my goal, but it may not be practical. And, it’s starting to look a little dry and frizzy on those curly ends. I should get a trim, but once those curls get cut off, they’re never coming back. And, honestly, the curls are most of the fun. I’ve never had curly hair in my life so I’d still like to hold on to them for a wee bit longer.
What say you guys? Should I stick to my goal and leave my hair alone? Or should I accept that almost waist-length is amazing for 3 ½ years and just go ahead and get it chopped off? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Word of the Day: Xerophilous
Fun fact about me: I have a lot of sparkly hair clips and hair adornments.
Original post by Jansen Schmidt, August 2021. Images by Google and giphy.com
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As a sister breast cancer survivor (it will be 23 years in November), I can relate to the black cloud feeling. It just never completely goes away, but you really can breathe a tad easier after the 5 year mark. I was fortunate enough not to require the torturous treatments that you suffered through and never lost my hair so I can’t relate to your dilemma about cutting it. However, I can never really decide if I want really long hair or really short hair. When I complain about ‘what should I do with this awful hair?’ my hubby always says ‘It’s your hair, wear it however it makes you happy’! Only problem is … I never know what will make me happy. I hope you can figure out what will make you happy. Hang in there, and be grateful for every blessed day on this earth … some are better than others, but they are all a gift!
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I don’t know if I ever knew you were also a breast cancer survivor – so here’s to us!!! I’m glad you didn’t have to go through al the really nasty stuff and I’m glad you’ve managed 23 more years.
I have never had “nice” hair either. It’s thin, fine, lifeless. Always has been. That’s why when it grew back and it was all curly, I was shocked. And it was so fun having those curls that the curly-haired girls complain about. (We always want what we don’t have right?)
The longer it gets the more the curl disappears but it still has quite a bit of body. More than I was used to so it’s pretty easy to style it. It’s just so hard to brush. Even braiding is challenging now because of the length.
But, I made an appointment with my stylist to have the ends trimmed up so we’ll see how that looks. It’s growing in a point right now, which is rather witch-like, so I’m hoping that evening out the bottom into a more straight line will give it a new life. Fingers crossed.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s nice to see you here at the Edge of Eternity.
Patricia
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I definitely think you should keep the long hair! Just think about how it will feel on that 5 year mark to make a salon appointment. I mean, salon appointments are already fun, but you could do something extra-wild to celebrate. I have long hair too, and those hot summer days (like the extra-hellish ones we’ve been having in Oregon), I just wrap it up in a bun on the top of my head. Hubby calls me a Who from Whoville, but it works. I know you’re going to sail past that five year goal!
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I know what you mean about the Who from Whoville. I’ve achieved that look myself on occasion. The messy bun with curly ends sticking out everywhere seems to be my go-to. And, honestly, it’s kind of a thing now so I’m right in style.
It’s just the brushing and braiding every night before bed that’s getting harder to accomplish. I almost need my husband’s help.
And, I did make an appointment with my stylist to have the ends trimmed up. I’m hoping that gives it a new fresh look without loosing too much of that curl. Just the frizz. It’s growing into a point right now. Kind of witch-like. I’m hoping that evening that out a bit will help.
Thanks for visiting and weighing in on the matter. I really do want to keep it until the 5 years. It’ll be a celebration day at the salon when I get there and cut it off. Wish me luck.
Patricia
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I say keep it long and rock it, friend! It’s your badge that proves you beat your cancer. Hey, I think you probably look a lot like that Ariana Grande picture! Sing your heart out…you’re a survivor and you’ve got more hair than a lot of women!
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Thanks Suzanne and so good to see you!!!
I do feel like the length is a well-earned badge so I’m going to try to keep it long. It would be nice if I had a lady’s maid to do my hair though. All that brushing in sections and de-tangling is time-consuming.
Thanks for visiting. I hope you’re doing well.
Patricia
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Wow, what a moving post! I remember thinking as I read about your journey how hard it would be to lose all your hair. It would be one of the worst aspects for me too, as my hair’s one of my physical features I actually like! 😀 So glad to hear it came back better (eventually!). As for cutting it? If/when it becomes too much of a chore to manage, that’s the time. Until then, enjoy it! Thanks so much for sharing this – and here’s to fantastic, long hair!
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Yeah, psychologically, that part was really traumatic. I HATED looking in the mirror. I felt like Precious in the Lord of the Rings movies. I used to close my eyes when I brushed my teeth just so I didn’t have to see myself. Crazy I know, but it was so hard. I don’t consider myself a vain person, but I’ll tell you, I was sure vain about that.
Anyway, it’s all behind me now and I lived to talk about it so I’m so thankful for that.
I’m hoping a little trim up of the ends will refresh it and help with the decision to keep it long for a while longer. Winter is coming right? That curtain of hair will be welcome when it’s cold out.
Thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts. I’m glad I’m not the only one who appreciates the value of their own hair. Yours looks glorious in your little gravatar photo.
Patricia
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That’s a heartfelt telling of your experience, Patricia and thanks for sharing it with us. Your honesty about how you dealt with it is absorbing. There’s no comparison to your story, but as someone who has been watching hair fall in the shower drain for nearly 50 years, I am very empathetic to your experience.
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My husband said the same thing. And, he even volunteered (several times) to shave his head so it matched mine. Difference being, bald men are cool and sexy. Bald women are just creepy and weird looking. Besides, I was the one who had to look at his shiny dome every day so I told him “please don’t.”
Thanks for visiting. I’m sorry about the loss of your hair as well. It’s only hair right? Until its YOUR hair. And, being a man, you’ve got the bald sexy man look going on so work with it.
Patricia
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Keep it! I never knew how much fun hair could be until I let mine grow out. I keep it short now – in fact got a hair cut yesterday and it’s shorter than I have worn it since college and ROTC! I am blessed with a healthy head of hair and it was nice when it was grown out curly and wavy and thick. So, when you have hair and you can – let it grow and go with the flow! Stay happy, safe, and well. Peace.
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Thanks Clay. I’m going to try to reach that 5-year mark. I made myself an appointment to have the ends trimmed a wee bit and to shape it up so it’s not so pointy in the back. And there are some really great up-do styles that are easy to fix. It’s just the brushing out part that’s getting hard.
Thanks for chiming in. I will admit, you do have nice hair. Enjoy the rest of your week.
Patricia
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