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Archive for the ‘fingers’ Category

I truly believe we are surrounded by idiots. For this reason warning labels must now be affixed to EV – RY – THING. Because, in all seriousness, everything is potentially harmful if people don’t possess common sense. (more…)

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Most of you know that at the end of every one of my blogs, I post a “fun fact” about myself. I don’t really know how “fun” those facts are to you, but to me, they’re just random silliness about my quirky self. My way of sharing my personality with you. (more…)

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I consider myself a pretty hardworking person. But, I also know how to sit still and just exist. I can take those precious moments to enjoy the quiet, the stillness, life. I am not a workaholic.

But, because I am pretty ambitious, I find myself easily irritated by laziness. I’m not talking about people who find thousands of excuses not to work so they can collect unemployment or welfare benefits (that’s a whole different post). I’m talking about those little chores that require two to three extra seconds to complete.

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Photo courtesy Google Images.

Photo courtesy Google Images.

Since when has using a toilet become so complicated that we need self-flushing devices? As toddlers, we learn the basics of toilet operation. Have we evolved to the point of complete helplessness? What’s up with the self-flushing toilets? Are these really necessary? I get it, that some people are lame and don’t flush after they do their business, but does that justify needing self-flushing toilets for everyone? I mean, how hard is it to flush a toilet?

I’ve found that most of these “modern” models don’t even flush when they’re supposed to. Or worse yet, some flush repeatedly; over and over and over. How much water is wasted from these continually flushing engineering wonders? Have you ever been quietly sitting on one of these self-flushing jobbies and have it flush before you’re done? It’s downright frightening. Not only do you get a wake up call, but your bottom gets a wash job. You also have a terrifying moment wondering if you’re going to get sucked into a deep dark vortex of sewage. Heaven help you if you were wiping at that very moment. Sit carefully my friends and once in position – do not move.

Image courtesy Google Images.

Image courtesy Google Images.

Now from the horrors of the stall, we move to the downright silliness of the automated sinks and soap dispensers. Okay, I’ll admit, the automated sinks are a nice feature, especially at the airport where you’re toting around a handbag or backpack and 50 pounds of luggage, it’s nice to just stick you hands under the faucet. But, first you must find the exact spot of the sensor to engage the water. Sometimes this is like sticking a square peg into a triangle hole with all the finageling and finger waving you must do. Some sinks are like a math problem, finding the right angle of entry and quadrant for positioning from the faucet so you don’t get your midriff sprayed at the same time. Again, I wonder at the need for these faucets? Who can’t figure out how to operate a basic bathroom sink?

Photo courtesy Google Images.

Photo courtesy Google Images.

Once you’ve found the correct entry point for the water, you must do the same with the soap dispenser and then hold very still while you lather up and rinse because, if you move your forearm or wrist just enough, you’ll get another squirt of soap on your sleeve and then have to re-calculate faucet entry again. Please dear readers, be very careful at the sink station. Apparently we’ve raising a society of really stupid people who can’t seem to figure out how to dispense soap.

And finally, we arrive at the paper towel area which is ususally surrounded by a huge pool of water from dripping hands and sleeves and midriffs while people frantically wave their arms in front of the machine to get the paper to come out. Now, if you’re lucky at the paper towal dispenser, you’ll get more than a 3 inch strip of toweling with which to dry your hands and soaking sleeves, still sudsy from the over-achieving soap dispenser. If you’re not so lucky, you’ll need to wait a few seconds and wave your arms again for a second equally small slice of paper. Do this enough times and you’re hands will have drip dried onto the floor and there won’t be any need for additional stips of towel. Perhaps that’s the ultimate goal of these stingy dispensers; simply let the hands air dry.

Photo courtesy Google Images

Photo courtesy Google Images

And so I ask, are these devices making our lives easier? Do you prefer automated bathrooms or good old-fashioned hands on restrooms? I’d love to hear your automated bathroom story. Don’t be bashful, let’s get this out in the open and discuss it.

Word of the Day: Hegira

Fun Fact about me: Like Laverne (Laverne & Shirley), I like milk and Pepsi.

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, October 2015. Photos courtesy Google Images.

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The menopause saga continues folks and let me tell you, it gets weirder and weirder. I have to laugh, because my only other choice is to cry myself into a padded room. And let me start by saying that men definitely got off easier (again) on the whole aging thing. I mean, at mid-life they just buy an expensive sports car and – bam – they’re over it and move on into their golden years.

Women however, we experience mid-life differently. Most get the “usual” physical symptoms, hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings, bulging bellies. But not me my friends. No sirree, not me, although my belly does bulge a little. I have all of the “other” symptoms. I ones you never hear about.

Photo courtesy Google Images

Photo courtesy Google Images

Let me explain. For awhile now I’ve been experiencing some strange little things in my body. Things like a sore thumb one day, a sore wrist the next three, creaking knees the following week. No injury, no apparent reason for the pain. And, sometimes while I’m driving, my fingers go numb; my feet often “go to sleep” when I’m watching TV. I’ve also been having extreme vision issues, issues not correctable (or explainable) by my eye doctor. I wear a different bi-focal contact lens in each eye and I still have to wear glasses sometimes. And then there’s days when I just can’t seem to see at all, my vision is so blurry. And my eyes hurt. They feel dry and gritty and they twitch. A lot. But then at night, when I lay down to try to sleep, they water like crazy, soaking my pillow on both sides of my head. What the heck? What is this madness?

Where am I going with this? I’ll tell you. I did some research on WebMD.com for dry eyes and joint pain. Both list possible causes for the ailment and potential remedies. But way down on the list for each problem I found that these conditions may be the result of menopause. Say what? Dry eyes and joint pain are menopause symptoms?

Apparently so. And this created a burning need to research menopause a little deeper, leading me to a long list of “unusual” symptoms of menopause. Holy cow! I have more than half of those “unusual” symptoms. And what’s even funnier are the suggested homeopathic treatments for the symptoms.

Here’s an abbreviated list of lesser known menopause symptoms: loss of bladder control, extreme fatigue, inability to concentrate, tingling extremities, irregular heartbeat, anxiety, weight gain, hair loss, brittle nails, and bloating.

Photo courtesy Google Images

Photo courtesy Google Images

Here’s a partial list of cures: drink lots of water, exercise, get lots of rest.

Okie dokie. Let’s just back the apple cart up a little bit here shall we?

My symptom is loss of bladder control and you tell me to “drink lots of water?” Really? How is this helpful? I cannot sleep more than two hours at night and you’re telling me that the cure is to “get lots of rest?” Well duh. And wouldn’t that be nice? And you say that more exercise will cure the weight retention and bloating issues? Yeah, maybe under normal conditions, but, I am so freaking tired there is no way in hell I’m going to exercise more.  I can barely get through one 1-hour zumba class a week. Most of my exercise these days consists of getting up from my two-hour nap each night.

And I might experience anxiety. You think? I’m pretty sure that getting only two hours of sleep each night might make me a little — how shall I say this — tense. Not to mention my hair is thinning at an alarming rate. And my heartbeat is so irregular I think I’m having a heart attack and in fact, consider waking my husband up to have him drive me to the emergency room. I’m pretty sure, this symptom would make anyone anxious.

This article is really funny.

I little farther down on this ever-so-helpful site I read that menopause can last anywhere from twelve months to twelve years. ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME? Twelve freaking years?!? Nothing anxious about that. Can’t I just buy a Corvette and be rid of it?

Photo courtesy Google Images

Photo courtesy Google Images

But here is the kicker my friends; the suggestion that makes me laugh the hardest and longest. The article recommends avoiding alcohol. Seriously? I have 52 things wrong with me and if I drink enough water and get enough exercise and rest in twelve years they MAY go away. But, in those twelve years I’m not to have a drink? Like that’s really going to happen. If there is one thing I really, truly NEED at this very moment in my life, it is alcohol. Please dear God, let me never be out of alcohol. (Unless you bring me a Corvette, then I might reconsider.)

Photo courtesy Google Images

Photo courtesy Google Images

So, I know it’s a bit tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, if you read about your symptoms on the web, you may be enlightened. Or mislead. Or entertained. I was definitely entertained at the end of my on-line research. However, I am a little less worried about all of the little crazy symptoms I’m having. There’s light at the end of the twelve-year tunnel that they may go away. Seems I’m not having a heart attack, I’m simply anxious. And I’m definitely going to try staying up all night exercising and drinking water since, Lord knows, I certainly won’t be sleeping.

So (everybody raise your glass), here’s to aging, hair loss, peeing your pants, being awake all night, slightly overweight, anxious and blurry-eyed. I thank the good Lord every single day that I am generally healthy, happy, mobile, employed, and do not have some horrible debilitating disease, or chronic condition impacting my life in ways too unspeakable to mention here. If getting old means having a few aches and pains and anxiety along the way, so be it. I’ll take every day I am blessed to live. Even without a Corvette.

How about you readers: have you ever experienced any unusual or unexplainable condition that worried you? Do you try to self-diagnose? Do you rely on information you read on the web? Ever find a silly suggestion to fix a problem?

And, if I haven’t told you lately, I am blessed to call you all friends and thankful for your support.

Word of the Day: Nide

Fun fact about me: If it were practical and affordable I would drive an expensive sports car every single day. (And that’s not just the menopause talking.)

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, May 2015. Photos courtesy Google Images.

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I’m a writer. Writer’s tend to be overly creative people. We have overactive imaginations. We think differently than others. We see the world from a different perspective. We hate math.

math problem

Did you just shutter at the graphic? Did your eyes glaze over? Did you automatically say “24” after the first line because the multiplication tables were drilled into your head in the 5th grade? Well, you might be a creative person.

It’s no surprise. A lot of folks are creative. For instance, musicians, actors, artists, all rely heavily on the right sides of their brain. It’s the left-brainers you have to worry about. But sometimes I have to wonder, should we limit the extent of our creativity? I know that goes against the whole premise of this blog (“Where imagination abounds, nothing is impossible”), but hear me out. Consider these wacky inventions, then I’ll ask the question again:

What is the purpose of this? So a blind person knows where to hold the glass?

weird invention 9

 Pizza cutters not trendy any longer; we now need scissors? And who even eats a slice of pizza this small?

weird invention 8

 Here’s the answer to sweaty palms. (Jenny Hansen at More Cowbell has probably known about these for years.)

weird invention 6

 Wanna see who’s following you, but don’t want to turn around?

weird invention 5

 All the tables at your favorite restaurant full? No worries, just sit yourself down and order up. (I’d avoid the soup.)

weird invention 4

 I call this one – the Nap Lap.

weird invention 3

 Tired of messing up your whole face with that damned lipstick? Here’s the answer you’ve been looking for.

weird invention 1

And my personal favorite:

Are you a busy mom but worry about setting your baby down on the dirty ground in order to get those dreaded chores done? Well, here’s the product for you.

weird invention 7

I’ve got to admit, that last one is genius. (Does that make me a bad person?) But seriously, how can anybody holding a baby properly wash their hands after using the restroom? I’m sure this invention was created by a man; I’m just sure of it.

And so folks, after seeing just a minuscule display of the wacky stuff that people “create,” do you want to change your answer? Should creativity have limits? Or do you agree with me, that maybe we should just put a boundary restriction on inventors. Yeah, that’s it.

What’s the craziest invention you’ve come across? Have you ever purchased something “clever” to make your life easier? Do you want any of the above items for yourself? Hey, I won’t judge.

Word of the Day: Guipure

Fun fact about me:  I love starfruit.

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, April 2015. Photos courtesy Google Images.

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So, it was an average day, like any other. Sort of. It was actually a holiday and about a bazillion degrees outside. I was sitting at my computer writing, like a good little writer does. After adding several thousand words to my current manuscript, I decided it was time to call it a day. Have a brewski, watch some t.v. and relax.

So there I sat, relaxing and drinking beer. Until I realized that my ring finger on my left hand was throbbing something fierce. I looked at it and thought, “Hm. That looks a little red (purple actually) and swollen. Wonder why?”

Photo courtesy Google Images

Photo courtesy Google Images

Must be the heat, I decided. In an effort to relieve the pressure on my finger I wiggled my amazingly beautiful wedding ring around the swollen appendage in an effort to remove it. Pretty ring wouldn’t budge.

“I’ve got to get this thing off!” I twirled the golden sphere and pulled it and yanked on it, applying spit, soap, lotion, ice, everything I could think of to get the blasted piece of junk off my finger. Finally, after much sweating and swearing the dang hunk of obnoxious metal came off. But my finger . . . holy macaroni . . . it was burning and throbbing at almost unbearable proportions.

For a week I iced it and even tried wrapping a very small Ace bandage around it. Swelling did not go away. After another week, I decided it might be time to see a professional.

My regular doctor was on vacation so I was “squeezed in” to see her associate.

Photo courtesy Google Images

Photo courtesy Google Images

The doctor took all of two and a half minutes to look at my finger and tell me it was swollen. (“Ya, think?” I should have been a doctor cuz I figured that one out right away.) He sent me for an x-ray, which of course came back all clear, nothing cracked, snapped or popped inside. He prescribed a ten-day regime of Ibuprofen therapy for the swelling and told me to come back if didn’t get better.

And then it happened. On my way out of the doctor’s office he, a perfect stranger, years younger than me, said, “Looks like in just a few months you’ll be fifty. Don’t forget to schedule a colonoscopy along with your regular annual physical.”

Fighting the urge to flip him the bird with my not swollen middle finger, I smiled (sort of) and said, “Thank you.” And then I silently added, “Asshole.” Like I needed that little reminder.

I have a swollen finger for no apparent reason, I can’t wear my wedding ring, which upsets my husband who thinks I’m using this as an excuse to pick up guys (like who’s going to want a 50-year-old woman with a swollen purple finger), and for the next few months I get to look forward to my annual exam complete with colonoscopy!

I’m a lucky girl!

And here’s a little tip. It’s funny, short, and includes a very short history lesson. Check it out.

So, how about you? How’s things going in your world? What little “reminders” do you wish you hadn’t gotten?

Word of the day: Ecclesiology

Fun fact about me: Sometimes I can whistle and sometimes I can’t. And it’s always when I really, really want to that it won’t happen.

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, July 2013. Photos courtesy Google Images. Video courtesy YouTube.

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