Dating Advice From A Former Family Law Paralegal

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As a lot of you know, I worked in the legal profession in California for, many, many years. Thirty to be exact. Thirty very long years. A good chunk of those years I worked in the family law arena. Yes, that is as horrible exciting as it sounds.

Photo courtesy Google Images.

Sure, I’m a little jaded smarter because of it (who wouldn’t be?) but I’m also a better person. And, because I’m a giver, I’m going to pass some of that wisdom on to you, my loyal and faithful tribe.

You’re welcome.

First of all: if you just recently split up with your spouse, it’s NOT a good idea to bring your new “sweetheart” to your first appointment with your divorce lawyer. Yeah, don’t do that. You just look like a cheating fool and I don’t have one iota of sympathy for you.

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Second, if you met your current spouse when he or she was married to someone else, then they divorced and married you, but now they are cheating on you – don’t cry about it. You knew they were unfaithful when you met them. What makes you think they’re going to be faithful to you? That makes you an idiot as far as I’m concerned and I don’t have one iota of sympathy for you.

Third, if you fall into one of these categories – stop your sniveling. I call it as I see it and so should you. Sure, love is blind and all of that (bleh), but divorce is eye-opening. And expensive. Use your noggin people and save yourself a few hundred thousand dollars down the road.

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And men, if you’re dating a woman who has 3 kids from 3 different fathers, please, please, wear a condom. Every single time. Because, chances are . . . . Just saying. And, yes, she is most likely living off of support from those other poor suckers men and therefore not interested in getting a job. Which means that you will be contributing to her “stay-at-home-mom,” status. After all, someone has to stay home with those illegitimate brats. You very likely might have to get that second job. And, no, I don’t have one iota of sympathy for you. Did you not even consider that this might happen to you?

That last one, applies to women as well. If your new man is paying child support to more than one woman, well, first of all, that’s less money in his pocket for you, and second, if you eventually have a child with this man, that’s less money in your pocket for that baby. Just saying. No, I don’t have one iota of sympathy for you either. Did you not think that maybe he might be a – oh, I don’t know – a player, a use ’em and lose ’em kind of guy? Think about it.

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I think you can all see a trend here. I pretty much don’t have any iotas of sympathy for these losers. Not that everyone getting divorced is a sex-starved loser with illegitimate children, but if you find yourself suddenly a single person jumping back into the dating pool: start at the shallow end and wade in before submersing yourself completely. Slow down. Being single is not the trauma you think it is. Think. Do your research. Do the math. Ask the hard questions.

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That is all for now. If anyone needs more post-divorce dating advice, feel free to contact me. My fee is considerably less than an attorney’s average hourly rate. But, I caution you to contact me BEFORE saying “I do.”

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What advice do you have for divorced daters? Have any funny experiences to add to this list? I love a good should-have-known-better tale.

Word of the Day: Wampum

Fun fact about me: I love to shop from catalogs.

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, January 2016. Photos and images courtesy Google.

 

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Fun With Spam

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Today folks, I’m taking you on a little journey through my e-mail Spam inbox. I’ve taken the partial headings below, in the exact order they appeared in my spam folder, and created some sentences that might make for a very interesting novel. Let me know what you think.

1. No games – several local businesses are looking for – wild cougars looking for horny men – let the madness begin!

2.  If you are not interested in – rapid wrinkle reduction and prevention – why get married?

3.  There’s a secret the legal recruiting industry is keeping – we’re bringing the heat about quick painless toenail fungus.

4.  I want to show you something on my webcam – when divorce isn’t an option – take control of your alcohol problem with – free coupons for oil change.

5.  Now’s the time to become a nurse – we need men that – will kill us if we don’t help – two Russian hotties looking for you.

6.  Pretty women are sharing topless pictures of – a bizarre but safe way to eliminate.

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I don’t know about you, but that last one sure sounds like a photo I’d be better off not seeing. But, I did find this photo that could certainly constitute a “bizarre way to eliminate,” however, I’m not sure how “safe” it would be.

7.  Here’s an easy reason not to get married – we have the cash you need – up to $10,000 – all real, all beautiful, all yours.

8.  Looking for love? – Don’t ignore this – these women will do anything for – lowest prices on digital TV and more.

9.  Unleash your naughty side – no exam required – lucky you!

No exam required to unleash my naughty side? Well sign me up. All these years I’ve been thinking there was going to be a test so I’ve been avoiding anything naughty. Well, not any more my friends. Naughty side – here I come!

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What interesting stuff have you encountered in your spam box? I’d love to see some creative sentences from your own private spam folders.

Word of the day:  Eisteddfod

Fun fact about me:  I empty my spam folder every day.

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, March 2015. Photos courtesy Google Images.

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