Posts Tagged ‘eyes’

I think by now, most of you know I try to be upbeat and positive whenever possible. I try to find the sunshine on the dreary days and I look for the good among the bad. I’m not gonna lie, this past year has tested my ability to focus on the good. Some days it feels like the hits just keep on coming and not in a good way. But, hopefully things are starting to turn around and the world is heading back toward “normal.”


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About a month ago I was nearly killed by an innocent chair. No. Not really. I was nearly killed by a not-so-innocent chair. Okay, okay. I was using a chair as a step stool and I slipped off the chair and that chair almost cut me in half. No. That’s not true either. I did slip off the chair, but it only felt like I was being cut in half. How could a chair cause such damage and pain?

manila folderI also had a small battle with a manila folder not too long ago, which caused copious amounts of blood to gush from my finger. Yes, that’s right. I almost bled out from a cardboard cut.

I sense skepticism. And, that’s okay. My point is, seemingly harmless objects can cause great harm. Be careful out there my friends. There are dangers around every corner, even in our own homes.

For example, my mother had a lethal weapon that she used on occasion to inspire fear in those who knew her best. I’m sure you all can relate to – (cue scary music) The Mom Voice. You know the one. It’s especially  damaging when combined with the use of your full legal name – first, middle, last. Ah, now you know what I’m talking about. That sweet voice that soothes and comforts can cut you in two if you’re not careful. I encourage you all to be on your best behavior when you’re around your mom. Do not become victims of The Mom Voice.

Side note: This only works with an exact mother/child biological relationship so don’t try The Mom Voice on your husband because it won’t work. If you say “James Euripides Higgenbottommellonworth,” he’ll only look at you like you’ve grown a second head. Whereas if James’s mother says, “James Euripides Higgenbottommellonworth,” he will cower in fear and go to any length to please the woman. You’ve been warned. Use The Mom Voice only on your own children.

And do not – ever – use the mom voice on your own mom. Trust me. Don’t. Do it.

Photo by P. Rickrode - 2003

Photo by P. Rickrode – 2003

I’ve discovered that I have a lethal weapon as well. My eyes. While usually very big and dark and expressive, my eyes can turn into flaming daggers if needed. I have to use the flaming daggers on occasion when someone says something so utterly stupid that I am rendered speechless. How else can I express my level of absolute disbelief? My husband has been the recipient of the flaming dagger eyes. He encounters The Look when he says things like, “that’s not my job,” or “what’d you do with my this or that?” Like I’m responsible for knowing where all of his things are at any given moment. See? The Look.yellow lab

But, the creature who possesses the absolute most innocent of deadly weapons is the domestic dog. Dogs can emit a fart that would kill the Jolly Green Giant and all of his jolly green friends. Our super sweet, big dumb, dorky, absolutely lovable, yellow lab has been known to clear a room with one tiny fart. Sometimes, HE even leaves the room because the smell is so bad. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had to hit the pause button the the tv remote due to an unexpected explosion of dog flatulence. How can something so awful come out of that sweet boy?

So I ask you dear reader, what harmless lethal weapons have you encountered in your lifetime? What should I be on the lookout for as I go about my life?

Word of the day:  Yapock

Fun fact about me: I used to wear my brother’s hand-me-downs.

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