I’m not normally in the market for toys this time of year (or any time of the year for that matter), but I usually get a toy or two for the Marines’ annual toy drive each year. This week, as I strolled the aisles of several stores, seeking out that perfect toy for some less fortunate boy and girl (I get one of each you see), I noticed a conspiracy of sorts in the in the doll/action figure department.
I know now why everyone wants to be Barbie, because it’s true what they say, that Bitch does have everything. It’s like tiny Paris Hilton’s cramming the shelves at Toys R Us. And, I’ve got to be honest, it sucks to be Ken. If you’re looking for a Barbie, you have options my friends. Besides the choices for hair and skin color, there are hair style options as well.
Photo courtesy Google Images
This one’s nice.
Photo courtesy Google Images
I had one like this.
Photo courtesy Google Images
Super glam Barbie.
Photo courtesy Google Images
This one is way over the top.
Like I said, options. But, not if you’re in the market for a Ken doll to keep your uber-sexy, so refined, super rich Barbie company. Here’s what you’re likely to end up with.
Photo courtesy Google Images
That’s right. Poor Ken doesn’t even get “real” hair, although he does have nice white teeth.
And Ken doesn’t get to the be man in the relationship. I mean, Ken doesn’t even have his own car for God’s sake. Barbie on the other hand, she has several models to choose from.
Photo courtesy Google Images
She might choose this hot little convertible number. While not a problem for Ken and his plastic hair, driving this beauty anywhere is sure to wreak havoc on Barbie’s updo. Perhaps this one is a better choice for a night out on the town.
Photo courtesy Google Images
No, wait, it’s a convertible, too. This one is better to keep the curls in place, but only if she keeps the stylish sun/moon roof shut.
Photo courtesy Google Images
No guy I know would be caught dead in one of these contraptions on wheels. Well, except for this guy.
Photo courtesy Google Images
He’s obviously confident in his masculinity.
Now if Ken’s like that little guy and doesn’t mind riding shotgun in a pink car, what could be more enjoyable than heading to Barbie’s house after a night out? I’ll tell you what, driving up to this place.
Photo courtesy Google Images
Ah yes, the Barbie dream house. Not so dreamy for Ken, I’m thinking. I mean, seriously, what guy do you know who would live in a bubble gum-colored house complete with Pepto Bismal-colored furniture and appliances? Yeah, this is every guy’s dream house, right here. You think Ken even wants to get lucky in a pink bed? Hmmm.
Why is there no Ken dream house? How come no one’s created a Ken Dream Cave? Think of the accessories you could sell to go with this thing. Ken could have like a 175 inch super-size t.v. screen, maybe a chainsaw, a snow blower and other really cool Ken Dream tools and other guy shit. And why is there no Ken 4×4 monster truck? The Matel folks are missing a market here, I’m telling you.
Of course Ken might change his mind on the living arrangements when he sees all of Barbie’s toys parked in the garage. In addition to your standard issue vehicles (Corvettes are only standard issue if you’re Barbie by the way), she’s got her own RV, airplane, horse trailer, boat with optional boat house if her dream house is near the water, motorcycle and the list goes on and on. Ken could be a very lucky man, if he doesn’t mind pink, and what guy doesn’t want to surround himself with a sea of cotton candy? Can you just see Ken cruising around Barbie dream town on a hot pink scooter? How cool would his friends think he is? I’m guessing even the Gay community might find this a tad too much.
I came to the conclusion as I completed my shopping excursion, that if I’m Barbie, why in God’s name would I even want or need Ken anyway? What the hell is he bringing to this relationship? I mean, he doesn’t even have a . . . you know . . . a certain boy part. Seriously – IT SUCKS TO BE KEN!
What are your thoughts? Would Ken be comfortable in Barbie’s world? Should Barbie even want Ken in her world? Did you (or do you still – I’m won’t judge) have a Barbie dream house?
Word of the day: Stelliform
Fun fact about me: I had 7 Barbies and 2 Kens when I was a kid, but no dream house or dream car. I had to steal one of my brother’s Tonka trucks if we needed to go anywhere. And I built a Barbie not-so-dreamy cabin out of my brother’s Lincoln Logs.
Original post by Jansen Schmidt, December 2013. Photos courtesy Google Images.
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