This Isn’t What I Signed Up For

Turning 50 was going to be huge; a really big deal; a cause for true celebration. And the day itself was all of that and more. I am now a half a century old and well on my way to becoming an old bitty.

Photo courtesy Google Images

Because I like you all, I feel it’s only fair to let you all in on a secret. Here’s what happens after the celebration, when reality sets in:

Hello and welcome to 50. We need to let you know that your driver’s license is going to expire this year and because it’s been awhile—34 years to be exact—we’re going to need to you re-take that written test. But, we’re not going to give you a new picture so there is a bright side, you’ll still look 49. (And because no one ever asks, I will still weigh 110 pounds.)

Photo courtesy Google Images

To make up for the possible loss of your driving privileges you will be issued an AARP card which won’t allow you to legally drive, but it might get you a nickel discount on Depends at your local supermarket and possibly a free cup of coffee at McDonald’s.

And hey, more good news, you now qualify for a colonoscopy, so don’t forget to get that little treat down on the books right away. And, if it hasn’t already done so, your vision will be changing. That’s right you’ll graduate from slightly blind to almost completely blind which will require the use of contact lenses and bifocals unless you’re trying to read something, in which case use whatever means are available to help accomplish that feat. Good luck with that because things will start to look like this:

Photo courtesy Google Images

Of special note, just for the ladies, you will also most likely experience some hormonal changes in your body. These are perfectly natural changes that every woman endures so just deal with them in whatever fashion works best for you. You might find sleeping a challenge, and possibly have moments when your body feels like it’s on fire. These moments will pass so just smile and open a bottle of vodka. You may occasionally want to rip someone’s head of and feed it to the dog, but we encourage you to simply take a deep breath and walk slowly away from the thing causing you the stress. During such times you may want to swallow a couple of Valium with your vodka.

Photo courtesy Google Images

And finally, don’t despair when the pounds seem to pile on around your mid section and your hair starts falling out. These are natural occurrences and are not dire situations that require medical help. Add to the Valium and vodka about 140 ounces of chocolate and a dozen Oreo cookies on top of your largest mixing bowl full of ice cream. That should do the trick.

Photo courtesy Google Images

We want you to know that you can and should continue all of your normal activities, like working your ass off and paying taxes for another dozen years or so. The social security people won’t come a’knockin’ for at least another twelve years so use this time to keep putting that fifty cents into your 401(K) each month. By the time those social security checks start rolling in you’ll have amassed quite a little savings account to supplement your meager government income. And with all the money you’ll be saving with those AARP discounts, you just might make ends meet if you never go to a movie or eat in a restaurant again.

Image courtesy Google Images

Oh, and if we haven’t already said it—welcome to 50. Enjoy your golden years!

How about you my friends, any surprises as you age? Any words of wisdom to share?

Word of the Day:  Doglegs (no you don’t get them when you turn 50)

Fun Fact About Me:  I used to hate wearing shoes; now I rarely go barefoot.

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, September 2015. Photos courtesy Google Images. Sarcasm courtesy Patricia Rickrode.

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And, Thank You For That Little Reminder

So, it was an average day, like any other. Sort of. It was actually a holiday and about a bazillion degrees outside. I was sitting at my computer writing, like a good little writer does. After adding several thousand words to my current manuscript, I decided it was time to call it a day. Have a brewski, watch some t.v. and relax.

So there I sat, relaxing and drinking beer. Until I realized that my ring finger on my left hand was throbbing something fierce. I looked at it and thought, “Hm. That looks a little red (purple actually) and swollen. Wonder why?”

Photo courtesy Google Images

Must be the heat, I decided. In an effort to relieve the pressure on my finger I wiggled my amazingly beautiful wedding ring around the swollen appendage in an effort to remove it. Pretty ring wouldn’t budge.

“I’ve got to get this thing off!” I twirled the golden sphere and pulled it and yanked on it, applying spit, soap, lotion, ice, everything I could think of to get the blasted piece of junk off my finger. Finally, after much sweating and swearing the dang hunk of obnoxious metal came off. But my finger . . . holy macaroni . . . it was burning and throbbing at almost unbearable proportions.

For a week I iced it and even tried wrapping a very small Ace bandage around it. Swelling did not go away. After another week, I decided it might be time to see a professional.

My regular doctor was on vacation so I was “squeezed in” to see her associate.

Photo courtesy Google Images

The doctor took all of two and a half minutes to look at my finger and tell me it was swollen. (“Ya, think?” I should have been a doctor cuz I figured that one out right away.) He sent me for an x-ray, which of course came back all clear, nothing cracked, snapped or popped inside. He prescribed a ten-day regime of Ibuprofen therapy for the swelling and told me to come back if didn’t get better.

And then it happened. On my way out of the doctor’s office he, a perfect stranger, years younger than me, said, “Looks like in just a few months you’ll be fifty. Don’t forget to schedule a colonoscopy along with your regular annual physical.”

Fighting the urge to flip him the bird with my not swollen middle finger, I smiled (sort of) and said, “Thank you.” And then I silently added, “Asshole.” Like I needed that little reminder.

I have a swollen finger for no apparent reason, I can’t wear my wedding ring, which upsets my husband who thinks I’m using this as an excuse to pick up guys (like who’s going to want a 50-year-old woman with a swollen purple finger), and for the next few months I get to look forward to my annual exam complete with colonoscopy!

I’m a lucky girl!

And here’s a little tip. It’s funny, short, and includes a very short history lesson. Check it out.

So, how about you? How’s things going in your world? What little “reminders” do you wish you hadn’t gotten?

Word of the day: Ecclesiology

Fun fact about me: Sometimes I can whistle and sometimes I can’t. And it’s always when I really, really want to that it won’t happen.

Original post by Jansen Schmidt, July 2013. Photos courtesy Google Images. Video courtesy YouTube.

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