Turning 50 was going to be huge; a really big deal; a cause for true celebration. And the day itself was all of that and more. I am now a half a century old and well on my way to becoming an old bitty.
Because I like you all, I feel it’s only fair to let you all in on a secret. Here’s what happens after the celebration, when reality sets in:
Hello and welcome to 50. We need to let you know that your driver’s license is going to expire this year and because it’s been awhile—34 years to be exact—we’re going to need to you re-take that written test. But, we’re not going to give you a new picture so there is a bright side, you’ll still look 49. (And because no one ever asks, I will still weigh 110 pounds.)
To make up for the possible loss of your driving privileges you will be issued an AARP card which won’t allow you to legally drive, but it might get you a nickel discount on Depends at your local supermarket and possibly a free cup of coffee at McDonald’s.
And hey, more good news, you now qualify for a colonoscopy, so don’t forget to get that little treat down on the books right away. And, if it hasn’t already done so, your vision will be changing. That’s right you’ll graduate from slightly blind to almost completely blind which will require the use of contact lenses and bifocals unless you’re trying to read something, in which case use whatever means are available to help accomplish that feat. Good luck with that because things will start to look like this:
Of special note, just for the ladies, you will also most likely experience some hormonal changes in your body. These are perfectly natural changes that every woman endures so just deal with them in whatever fashion works best for you. You might find sleeping a challenge, and possibly have moments when your body feels like it’s on fire. These moments will pass so just smile and open a bottle of vodka. You may occasionally want to rip someone’s head of and feed it to the dog, but we encourage you to simply take a deep breath and walk slowly away from the thing causing you the stress. During such times you may want to swallow a couple of Valium with your vodka.
And finally, don’t despair when the pounds seem to pile on around your mid section and your hair starts falling out. These are natural occurrences and are not dire situations that require medical help. Add to the Valium and vodka about 140 ounces of chocolate and a dozen Oreo cookies on top of your largest mixing bowl full of ice cream. That should do the trick.
We want you to know that you can and should continue all of your normal activities, like working your ass off and paying taxes for another dozen years or so. The social security people won’t come a’knockin’ for at least another twelve years so use this time to keep putting that fifty cents into your 401(K) each month. By the time those social security checks start rolling in you’ll have amassed quite a little savings account to supplement your meager government income. And with all the money you’ll be saving with those AARP discounts, you just might make ends meet if you never go to a movie or eat in a restaurant again.
Oh, and if we haven’t already said it—welcome to 50. Enjoy your golden years!
How about you my friends, any surprises as you age? Any words of wisdom to share?
Word of the Day: Doglegs (no you don’t get them when you turn 50)
Fun Fact About Me: I used to hate wearing shoes; now I rarely go barefoot.
Original post by Jansen Schmidt, September 2015. Photos courtesy Google Images. Sarcasm courtesy Patricia Rickrode.
Fifty is nifty – no surprises – but my knees hurt when I stand too long, but that’s more a function of my mass not age – and it is more than 110lbs! Teaching kids keeps me young and I don’t ‘feel old’ even though I am with five years of my student’s parents ages… It’s all good. Happy birthday!
LikeLike
Good morning, Clay. Thanks for “weighing in” on this issue. I am trying to age gracefully, but this menopause stuff is a pain in the arse. Mostly I’m enjoying this ride and I know I’m in good company.
I’m glad your position as a teacher keeps you young.
Patricia
LikeLike
Let’s not forget that the mind begins to go and memory loss occurs…or did you mention that? I forget. 🙂 Welcome to the dark side of 50!
LikeLike
Oh Sheila, I was going to comment on the memory loss issues, but apparently I forgot to mention it when I was composing the blog. Hey, it happens. I’m glad that everyone I know over the age of 50 has experienced these same things in some form or another. At least I’m among the throngs of people all going through the same stuff.
Thanks for stopping by and sympathizing.
Patricia
LikeLike
Darn. I’m not 50 yet and I identify with almost all of this. Well, at least it (mostly) seems to happen gradually–not many sharp doglegs in aging. 🙂
LikeLike
Hi Coleen. I’m not trying to scare you into aging, just adding a little humor to an otherwise not funny situation. I’m trying to go with the flow, but there are days when I wish I could turn back that clock. Just remember to take care of your body.
Thanks or stopping by. Until next week, have a great week.
Patricia
LikeLike
I have 91/2 years before 50, so I’ll start stalking up on Valium and vodka right now! Fun post, that’s for the laugh and the warning.
LikeLike
Well, Alicia if you can’t laugh about it, you’ll cry and who wants to listen to that all day? My husband has been witness to the crying spells and they are not fun. I failed to mention them in this post, must be the memory loss that also escaped my mind when I was writing the post.
It’s not all bad. It’s just frustrating. Life is good so long as you never grow up. Getting old is out of our hands, growing up is optional!
Take care and thanks for stopping by.
Patricia
LikeLike
*Snort* Awesome post – thanks for the Monday laugh. Hey, and 5 cents off Depends will add up, right? Ah, all the fun things to anticipate. Just remember: “Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.” My mantra. 🙂
LikeLike
Oh CJ, you know I love your mantra. I can’t do anything about the aging so I’m taking this opportunity to really hone my sarcasm. The older you get the more crotchety you can be and people will just chock it up to me being an old biddy. That’s the beauty of aging.
Thanks for taking the time to smile with me today. Have a fantastic week!
Patricia
LikeLike
The beautiful part about turning 50 is that you’re half-way to 100 and you now have the freedom to dress like you want – not how fashion mavens dictate. You’ve lived half a century. Additionally, every day you’re one step closer to Heaven. If you don’t believe in Heaven? You’re one step closer to wherever. The only real problem is that you can’t trust your body to behave like it used to. Even so, your experience creates wisdom the young whipper snappers just don’t have yet, so it’s easy to mess with them. Use your age to have fun!
LikeLike
Oh believe you me, I am using my age to it’s fullest advantage. As long as I continue to take care of my body, it should last a good long while yet.
And yes, I do value the “wisdom” that I have gained over the years and the fact that I have lost some of my inhibitions as well. I do believe I’m having more fun than ever.
Thanks for stopping by, Kathleen. I always enjoy seeing the SVR gang over here at the Edge of Eternity.
Patricia
LikeLike
Just look at the upside: you no longer have to care what people think! I’m still 2 years away but already practicing that part. 😀 Aging is not for sissies, that’s for sure, but it beats the alternative! Happy birthday!
LikeLike
Hey Jennette; I gave up on what people think a long time ago. It’s not worth the stress. No matter what you do, someone’s going to not like it.
And you are right – aging is not for sissies. It sometimes takes a village to get me there, but I’m diving deeper into the age pool every day.
Thanks for visiting.
Patricia
LikeLike
Happy birthday! The big 5-0 shouldn’t be too harrowing for a sexy lady like yourself. Just roll with it and enjoy life!
LikeLike
Aw Phil, you are too sweet. I’m definitely rolling with it. Even went zip lining in Juneau last week. Take that 5-0! Bam – in your face 50.
Thanks for your support and kind words.
Patricia
LikeLike
Can I just say that you are a babe-o-rama?! I’ve seen you live, and everyone should be so lucky to be as vibrant and beautiful as you at 50. 🙂
LikeLike
Aww, thank you my friend. You are the bomb! I’m living large and long and I hope all of my dear friends do as well.
Thanks for your sweet words.
Patricia
LikeLike