I’m not normally in the market for toys this time of year (or any time of the year for that matter), but I usually get a toy or two for the Marines’ annual toy drive each year. This week, as I strolled the aisles of several stores, seeking out that perfect toy for some less fortunate boy and girl (I get one of each you see), I noticed a conspiracy of sorts in the in the doll/action figure department.
I know now why everyone wants to be Barbie, because it’s true what they say, that Bitch does have everything. It’s like tiny Paris Hilton’s cramming the shelves at Toys R Us. And, I’ve got to be honest, it sucks to be Ken. If you’re looking for a Barbie, you have options my friends. Besides the choices for hair and skin color, there are hair style options as well.
Photo courtesy Google Images
This one’s nice.
Photo courtesy Google Images
I had one like this.
Photo courtesy Google Images
Super glam Barbie.
Photo courtesy Google Images
This one is way over the top.
Like I said, options. But, not if you’re in the market for a Ken doll to keep your uber-sexy, so refined, super rich Barbie company. Here’s what you’re likely to end up with.
Photo courtesy Google Images
That’s right. Poor Ken doesn’t even get “real” hair, although he does have nice white teeth.
And Ken doesn’t get to the be man in the relationship. I mean, Ken doesn’t even have his own car for God’s sake. Barbie on the other hand, she has several models to choose from.
Photo courtesy Google Images
She might choose this hot little convertible number. While not a problem for Ken and his plastic hair, driving this beauty anywhere is sure to wreak havoc on Barbie’s updo. Perhaps this one is a better choice for a night out on the town.
Photo courtesy Google Images
No, wait, it’s a convertible, too. This one is better to keep the curls in place, but only if she keeps the stylish sun/moon roof shut.
Photo courtesy Google Images
No guy I know would be caught dead in one of these contraptions on wheels. Well, except for this guy.
Photo courtesy Google Images
He’s obviously confident in his masculinity.
Now if Ken’s like that little guy and doesn’t mind riding shotgun in a pink car, what could be more enjoyable than heading to Barbie’s house after a night out? I’ll tell you what, driving up to this place.
Photo courtesy Google Images
Ah yes, the Barbie dream house. Not so dreamy for Ken, I’m thinking. I mean, seriously, what guy do you know who would live in a bubble gum-colored house complete with Pepto Bismal-colored furniture and appliances? Yeah, this is every guy’s dream house, right here. You think Ken even wants to get lucky in a pink bed? Hmmm.
Why is there no Ken dream house? How come no one’s created a Ken Dream Cave? Think of the accessories you could sell to go with this thing. Ken could have like a 175 inch super-size t.v. screen, maybe a chainsaw, a snow blower and other really cool Ken Dream tools and other guy shit. And why is there no Ken 4×4 monster truck? The Matel folks are missing a market here, I’m telling you.
Of course Ken might change his mind on the living arrangements when he sees all of Barbie’s toys parked in the garage. In addition to your standard issue vehicles (Corvettes are only standard issue if you’re Barbie by the way), she’s got her own RV, airplane, horse trailer, boat with optional boat house if her dream house is near the water, motorcycle and the list goes on and on. Ken could be a very lucky man, if he doesn’t mind pink, and what guy doesn’t want to surround himself with a sea of cotton candy? Can you just see Ken cruising around Barbie dream town on a hot pink scooter? How cool would his friends think he is? I’m guessing even the Gay community might find this a tad too much.
I came to the conclusion as I completed my shopping excursion, that if I’m Barbie, why in God’s name would I even want or need Ken anyway? What the hell is he bringing to this relationship? I mean, he doesn’t even have a . . . you know . . . a certain boy part. Seriously – IT SUCKS TO BE KEN!
What are your thoughts? Would Ken be comfortable in Barbie’s world? Should Barbie even want Ken in her world? Did you (or do you still – I’m won’t judge) have a Barbie dream house?
Word of the day: Stelliform
Fun fact about me: I had 7 Barbies and 2 Kens when I was a kid, but no dream house or dream car. I had to steal one of my brother’s Tonka trucks if we needed to go anywhere. And I built a Barbie not-so-dreamy cabin out of my brother’s Lincoln Logs.
Original post by Jansen Schmidt, December 2013. Photos courtesy Google Images.
jansenschmidt 
Toys are supposed to stimulate a child’s imagination. Your Barbies spurred you to build a cabin of Lincoln Logs and “borrow” your brother’s Tonka truck. In your imagination, that truck could be a dune buggy, a pick-up, or an armored tank. The log cabin could have been a mountain retreat, a fire-watch perch, or an anthropologist’s station
All those pink accessories limit imagination. Gah!
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Yes, I learned to be quite creative as a child. I pretended that my Barbie owned her own heavy equipment company and that’s why she had all of those big Tonka dump trucks and front loaders.
An anthropologist’s station? I like where you’re going with that. Perhaps I’ll dig out my Barbies (yes, I still have them) and see if I can make that happen. Now that I’m an adult, I have resources that could make that happen.
Thanks for your support, Pat. Always good to see you.
Patricia
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This might be why we usually snagged my brother’s GI Joe when we played Barbies. Ken just wasn’t enough apparently. We never had the Dream House either. I remember once playing at someone’s house and they had the Barbie airplane. That was cool. I’m guessing Ken flew through the clouds guided by the shine of his very white teeth.
The first thing that comes to mind for Stelliform is– tree topper. 🙂
Fun post, Patricia!
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My brother didn’t have a GI Joe – he was a “guy’s guy” and didn’t play with “dolls.” He had all the cool toys. He had a race car set (I loved that race set), he had an electric train (I loved that train) he had a Foosball table. Perhaps I should change my post to – sucks to be me. Hmmm.
Yes, a tree topper could certainly be said to be stelliform.
Thanks for your support, Coleen (spelled correctly).
Patricia
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Foosball table AND an electric train. Too much coolness.
And thank you for the Amazon gift card, Patricia! 🙂
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You are very welcome. Thanks for your cyber support.
Yeah, my brother had some cool toys. We played with his race cars for hours on end. Foosball was fun but it seems like we always got into trouble when we played that game. My mom had to forbid it for awhile.
Thanks again, Coleen.
Patricia
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I guess you hadn’t heard…Barbie left Ken for G.I. Joe a long time ago. He’s got the skills and she’s got the stuff – a perfect match. Besides, Ken’s teeth are almost too white. Very suspicious.
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Yes, those really white teeth are suspicious aren’t they? Kind of creepy if you ask me. And I had heard the rumor of Barbie hooking up with GI Joe, but until now, I thought it was only a rumor. But, you’re undoubtedly much younger than I so you would be more hip to what happened after I stopped playing with my Barbies. I think the GI Joe/Barbie match-up happened in the ’70’s and by then i was in to boys.
Thanks for your continued support, Coleen (also spelled correctly).
Patricia
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My Barbie’s dream house had an orange roof, and was done up in groovy 70’s decor – before everything was pink! I think her car might have been red or yellow, can’t remember. Ken was eaaaarly 70’s vintage, and had brown hair!
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Wow – you had a Barbie dream house? I’m jealous. You were a lucky girl. And, I’d have killed for a red Barbie corvette. My Barbie had to walk everywhere. Or hitchhike.
And one of my Ken’s was a brunette as well. I had one blond and one tall, dark and handsome, Ken. I think all my Barbies were blondes though.
Thanks for stopping by, Jennette.
Patricia
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I love Barbie. And while I had Ken dolls, eh. He was an accessory for me. And her. Lol. I still collect and in fact each of my heroines has a Barbie specifically for her (different outfits, etc). Helps me develops characters. But for my heroes, sorry, Ken. The collectible items are a lot less pink. Thank goodness.
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Wow – Barbie is your heroine alter-ego? That’s kind of cool. Do you make your own costumes and accessories then, or how does that all work?
And I’d have to say as I agree with you as far as needing something a little more hunky than Ken to represent the heroes in my books. Poor Ken.
Thanks for swinging by today. Always good to see my chaptermates here at The Edge of Eternity.
Patricia Rickrode
w/a Jansen Schmidt
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My Barbie drove a roller skate. Her furniture was made of wooden blocks covered in pink Kleenex. Her closet was a shoebox turned on its side and the door was fastened with brads. I think she did have her own swimming pool at one point.
And yes, I do feel sorry for Ken. I had the one with the painted on hair like in your picture. But the later models, with the Justin Bieber hair were worse. And the clothes they’ve given him. He needs a pair of jeans and a flannel, not a spandex unitard.
I’m all for empowering girls, but let’s not do it by making boys feel useless. Strong women need equally strong men. The kind of guys who will stand side by side with their woman and knock out the pink tile in the kitchen of their first home and replace it with a premade countertop that was an inch too short. Then he’ll help her pull out the lower cabinet and saw off the false side by the wall in order to make it fit.
It’s even better if he can do the laundry while she finishes sanding down the rough edges.
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Amen, Sista! We need the lumberjack Barbie with her own Barbie toolbelt and Barbie power tools.
I do believe at one point I had a Barbie shoebox closet as well. It was bigger than the Lincoln Log house so it had to be housed separately, but it needed to be that big in order to accommodate all of those cheesy Barbie outfits.
Yeah, Ken in a spandex unitard – not cool. Unless he’s the Richard Simmons model, in which case I’d expect spandex and a unitard with matching headband. Can you say gross?
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your Barbie story.
Patricia
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A while back they released a line of black label designer dolls and outfits. Plus I’ve collected since I was well, let’s just say forever. I don’t make the clothes although I’ve tried. And I will say…it’s all about the shoes. And purses. I’ll bring pics to the next meeting. 😉 great blog!
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Anna – I would LOVE to see your pictures. Barbie collecting is a big deal I guess. I’ve seen some of those designed Barbies and I’ve got say, Wow!
Looking forward to seeing what you’ve got.
Patricia
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Poooorrr, Ken! I really like your idea of a Ken man cave!
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Wouldn’t a Ken man cave be cool? Think of the things you could get for that place.
Thanks for stopping by my friend. Good to see you.
Patricia
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A minute saved is a minute earden, and this saved hours!
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Oh, the dream house and the dream car. How I coveted them! And my husband informs me that boys don’t have dolls, they have “action figures.” (Yeah, right.) Unfortunately, Ken doesn’t qualify because I’m sure he never saw any action :). Thanks for the stroll down memory lane, Patricia!
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Ha ha ha ha ha – Ken never saw any action!! That’s great! I’m betting you are right.
Action figure / doll / whatever. Barbie is an action figure and based on some of her outfits, I’m guessing she sees lots of action, especially cruising around in that convertible Vette or out on the lake in that boat of hers.
Yes, I coveted the dream house, too. i guess it’s not too late to get one. I am a late bloomer after all. But where in God’s name would I put that big ole pink thing? And my circa 1970’s Barbies would just look ridiculous in today’s 2013 dream house. Heck, one of my Barbie’s has the legs that don’t even bend.
Thanks for stopping by Debra. Always good to see you.
Patricia
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Susie sent me and I’m glad you submitted this post for the blogging party… it’s great! I look forward to more. 🙂
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Hi Jessica and welcome to my blog. I’m glad you enjoyed it.
Susie always throws the best parties.
Patricia
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Although Susie sent me this time, we both know I’m liable to drop by whenever I have a free moment. Love this post…. I hadn’t even considered the whole Barbie thing from Ken’s perspective…but then that may be because I wasn’t much into Barbie…ever. 😉
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What – not into Barbie? Hmmmm.
So glad you stopped by and so glad Susie sent you.
Patricia
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This is such an awesome post! I’ve had similar thoughts.
Susie sent me over to your blog.
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So glad Susie sent you. She throws quite the party.
Feel free to stop by any time. I love new followers.
Patricia
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